parenting teens

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Due to reducing my practice hours, I no longer work with teens; this information is provided as a resource for parents and therapists

 “Stop cutting school and start doing your homework!” 

 “You’re so disrespectful, I can’t believe you talk to me that way!” 

 “Pick up your room! It looks like a disaster area!” 

 “Lies, lies, lies! That’s all I hear coming out of your mouth! When are you going to start telling the truth?”    

Do these types of parental proclamations sound familiar? They are declared thousands of times every day throughout the land, and they usually do not result in the desired change.  Many teens automatically reject parental injunctions to change. Teens are motivated by a variety of needs, emotions, and defenses that are often immune to the logic presented by their parents and other adults-- including therapists. Teens often need to “save face”, and feel like they are shamefully submitting if they change too directly in response to adult suggestions and demands. Teens prefer to make changes privately, when adults are not looking or commenting, so that they can feel it is THEIR change rather than an act of compliance with an authority. The work of Edgette (2002, 2006) is especially helpful in illuminating this perspective, both for parents and therapists. Below you will find her publications in addition to others that guided me in my past work with teens. 

See the Publications page to access my articles and Power Point presentations about parenting and providing therapy for teens. 

"Inside Out" (2015)-- This classic Pixar movie is quite insightful about parenting

Compilation of Clips-- Especially Relevant: Family dinner scene at 5:38 mark 

Parents' Guide to Inside Out-- by Paul Ekman, Ph.D.  

Review by Dr. Bonner ("Psychology Gets Animated!"-- page 3)-- PDF

For parents:  

Allen, J. & Allen, C.W. (2009) Escaping the Endless Adolescence: How We Can Help Our Teenagers Grow Up Before They Grow Old. Ballantine Books (for Dr. Bonner's 2010 book review Connecting with Teens' "Inner Adult" , see p.3.-4 in The GPPA Report

Allen, J. & Allen, C.W. (2010) The Big Wait. In Educational Leadership, September 2010, Vol. 68, No. 1, p. 22-26. 

Bayard, R.T. & Bayard, J. (1986) How to deal with your acting up teenager: Practical help for desperate parents. M. Evans & Co.  

Edgette, J.S. (2002). Stop negotiating with your teen: Strategies for parenting your angry, manipulative, moody, or depressed adolescent. Perigee Trade  

Epstein, R. (2010) Teen 2.0: Saving Our Children and Families from the Torment of Adolescence (2nd edition of The Case Against Adolescence: Rediscovering the Adult in Every Teen, 2007). Linden Publishing.  

Gottlieb, L. (2011) How to land your kid in therapy. In The Atlantic, July/August 

Haspel, E. (2022) How to quit intensive parenting. In The Atlantic, May/June.

Hoffman, J. (2014)  Cool at 13, Adrift at 23.  New York Times, June 23, 2014  

Turgeon, H. & Wright, J. (2022) We’re ignoring a major culprit behind the teen mental health crisis. Washington Post, May 20. (focuses on sleep deprivation as major factor)

For therapists: 

Bonner, C. (2009) The Element of Surprise in Coherence Therapy with Teens.  Unpublished chapter (18 pages)-- focuses on the treatment of academic procrastination in a high school student; integrates Edgette's parenting perspective with Coherence Therapy.  Download PDF

Edgette, J.S. (2006). Adolescent therapy that really works: Helping kids who never asked for it in the first place. New York: Norton Professional Books (originally published in 2001 as Candor, connection, and enterprise in adolescent therapy, by W. W. Norton & Company)

Edgette, JF. Teen Therapy: Common Mistakes to Avoid. Psychotherapy Networker Clinical Guide.  PDF